Thursday, August 9, 2018

The Shocking Secret to being Sexier

First off, (before revealing the shocking secret to being sexier), I want to state the disclaimer: I do not think women or men should be nearly as concerned and consumed with this as they are (making sure other see them as "sexy").  Our culture has become one obsessed with our appearance, ever chasing after approval, to be desired, and thought of as "hot."  Many of us on a near perpetual path of rollercoaster esque dieting.  Throughout much of our culture, narcissism abound.  People ever hungering for the stamp of approval or the affirmation that they are in fact, attractive, desired, admired, or "sexy."

I'm sorry to say, this does not actually lead to a fulfilled or ultimately happy life.  Both philosophy and scientific studies prove it, time and time again. 

When you base your opinion of yourself on responses from others, you will be on a perpetual path of up-and-down, this-way-and-that.  When you chase after, obsess over, hunger for, and feast on the compliments and praises of others, sure, sometimes you will feel great, then just as often, you will feel disappointed, sad, let down, and left hungering for more.

There are far more fulfilling, affirming, as well as just generally more important things to focus on and prioritize.  I am not advocating one shouldn't care about how they look and feel at all.  Of course, we all wish to look and feel our best, and that's a valid thing.  However, there is such a wide berth of far more satisfying life values and priorities out there that, to have a truly joyous and satisfying life, one can and should focus on.  These can include some of the following (though there is much more beyond just this list, of course):

--Finding a personal passion, whether it be building things, creating some kind of art, helping people in one way or another, caring for and helping animals, lifting up those in need, adventuring the world, mastering a hobby -anything from cooking to gardening, writing, painting, stand up comedy, you name it.  And once you find it, sprinting after this very passion which sets your heart alight.

--Being a supportive, uplifting presence, joy, and worthwhile connection in others lives.  Its hard to really invest in or focus on this when consumed with perfecting yourself and garnering perpetual feedback with regards to you/your looks/how attractive or awesome you are.

--Learning as much as you possibly can, via books, articles, classes, life experiences, other people, and continually pursuing personal self growth.

--Finding a job you love, and then reveling in the work.

--Adventuring the world and experiencing differing cultures, ideologies, and ways of life.

The list goes on.  The point being though: there are so many far more important, and much more fulfilling things to focus on rather than how "sexy" you are.

However.  With that said.

Want to know the shocking secret to being sexier in general?  And when I use the word "sexy," I am not referring to looks alone.  In fact, I am referring more along the lines of sexiness being 25% what you've got and 75% what you think you've got (because sexiness isn't just a way of looking/being, its also an energy, aura, and inner feeling.  Surely you have all experienced the phenomenon of meeting someone who wasn't particularly physically beautiful but who you noticed on getting to know, was actually incredibly sexy.  As well as, meeting someone who was physically breathtaking/quite attractive but then on getting to know them, realizing that in fact, they are actually unattractive and/or lackluster).

That aside.  To be significantly it is folks...

Cover up more.  Induce a sense of mystery.  Show some modesty.  Exude a sense of class and personal discretion.  Carry yourself in such a way that people long to both know and see more.

Those are several secrets to coming across to others, as well as actually being, incredibly sexy.

Doubtful?  Convinced that in order to get the most attention, you have to let it all hang out (both literally and figuratively) like everyone else does?  Hold on. 

Let me explain why these very behaviors and values (covering up more, mystery, modesty, class, discretion) are actually incredibly hot to way more people than you think, and why they also hold peoples attention much more. 

I offer both opinions on such, as well as researched data to back up this point.

We are currently living in a saturation of soft to medium core porn, almost everywhere we look.  Advertisements, laden with blatantly sexy and often times near pornographic images.  Further, these images are edited and doctored to such a degree that many people come to believe that this is how one can and thus, should look in order to be considered an attractive human being.  Over time, continually viewing these kinds of images can alter and skew ones perception in a negative way of what it means to be attractive, as well as unrealistically influence standards of beauty by which they use to measure both themselves and others (a la, false and unrealistic ones).  Most of these images also tend to look largely the same.  Thus, our belief of what is sexy tends to become a rather narrow one.

Clothing has gotten skimpier, smaller, more revealing, and pornographic as well.  Especially during summer time, one can observe a streaming parade of what appear to be people selling sex, walking down the street daily.  Women's breasts all, but exploding out of their tops.  Butt cheeks jiggling out the bottom of their shorts.  Half their torsos on display.  Dress hems barely brushing crotch level.

On Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms, we are met with a continual chain of self endorsing, narcessitic, compliment eliciting material and photos.  Selfies abound.  Duck lipped, scantily clad selfies posed just so.  People made up to attempted perfection, seeking (though pretending they aren't) validation, compliments, and approval left and right.  Everyone, it seems, on a staunch search for loads of "likes" in order to know and believe they are "sexy enough."  Lots and lots of focus on and concern with oneself and ones image nowadays.

Further, people broadcasting all manner of their personal lives to plethoras of strangers online, daily, even hourly.  Posting on their Facebook newsfeed or Twitter accounts, remarks about their latest breakup, their most recent medical exam or scare, their current struggles with depression, a continual outpouring of baby photos in every manner of pose (though most tend to look largely the same), where they are currently eating or drinking a coffee at that moment.  We all seem to feel compelled to shout to the world, our feelings from minute to minute, our emotions as they ebb and flow, our latest dramas, and most mundane activities.  A continual contest for who can out-shout one another, who can most shock, and who is able to gain the most attention and thus, validation.

Ex bashings.  Dick pics.  Provocative selfies, as well as a majority of people venturing out into the world half to nearly naked on a regular basis nowadays too.  Constant updates online of our whereabouts and feelings minute to minute.

All of this has become strangely....boring.

It used to be that highly sexualized images were scandalous.  Infrequent.  Rare.  Hidden away or banned.  They were things people had to seek out and then hide.  This, lending these images a sense of forbidden excitement and allure.  Now?  They are EVERYWHERE, and so easily accessible, there is no challenge nor nothing titillating about stumbling on such any longer.

It used to be that cleavage or the shape of someone's body through their clothing was alluring.  Not the norm.  Instead, reserved for occasions or infrequent moments.  A tool and behavior used sporadically to entice and excite.  Now, we all let it hang out, all the time, constantly.  Now, any man can simply walk down the street and is likely see several asses hanging out of pants, nipples through shirts, boobs exploding out of tops, crotches on near display.  And while sure, this is pornographic and sexually stimulating for several albeit usually brief moments, it doesn't hold anyone's attention for long.  There are loads more boobs and butts just around the next corner.  Thus, none of it is special, rare, or thus, truly compelling.

The types of dress below?  Never do you see anything like this anymore.  And in the rare moments you do?  Its majorly head turning, awe inducing, and memorable.  These are the types of looks that capture attention, and hold it.

It used to be that to find out about a person, you had to actually spend time with them.  Spend hours on hours talking with them, as well as partaking in activities and experiences with them.  Potentially also hearing/learning things about them through friends of friends.  Maybe even sending each other written notes over a period of time.  Now?  Just Google someone, or better yet, look at their Twitter or Facebook.  You can likely see it all, right there.  What they had for breakfast that morning, their latest medial emergency, a montage of photos including all their exes, reports of their emotions moment to moment. 

This is incredibly anticlimactic, and lacking any allure or mystery.  It robs people of the exciting, anticipation laden experience, and exploration of getting to know one another over time.  Of that slow though thrilling unfolding, growth, and discovery.  Further, who people claim to be on social media often isn't even the real them.  Therefore, this can also sometimes lead to people garnering misperceptions of each other at that.

It used to be that you saw someone naked on being intimate with them.  Now?  You can see a vast majority of people half naked, nearly naked, overtly sexual in just walking past them on the street!  Talk about killing a sense of suspense, flirtation, allure, and climax.  As well as cheapening and reduce the value of such.  Now you can see nearly naked people everywhere you go, just out and about on the streets.  This tends towards making their nakedness far less interesting, less sacred, less special, less something to be prized and more, a cheap, easy to access thing.

Guys who send "dick pics" or girls who send nude photos to men whom they hardly know?  Same thing.  Giving it all away, right away, with no build up, no sense of earning such, no sense of treasuring nor guarding oneself, no sense of anticipation or tension allowed to occur.  This kills the anticipation, the fun, the flirtation and suspense. 

(Also, its an interesting aside that when a girl sends a nude photo, she is often called a "slut" for doing such, especially later on if her relationship turns sour with the man to whom she sent said photo.  And yet, when a man sends a nude photo of his penis, especially unsolicited, this is laughed off and dismissed.  When actually, its a form of harassment.  Imagine if a man just dropped his pants in front of a woman on the street?  That would be considered a crime, an outrage.  Yet, when he does this very thing via a cell phone, its laughed off, minimized).

We have come to be so saturated in nakedness and overt sexualization of everything, a loud and unabashed telling-it-all, a "look at me, look at me" culture, laden with narcissistic and show off-y sense of selves, that frankly, this has all become kind of run of the mill, lame, expected, and thus, no longer attention grabbing.  At this point, its on the contrary.



People want what they cannot have.

They are enticed by that which we cannot see, or do not know.

People are allured by mystery.

We value, far more, that which is challenging to obtain, or not easily accessed.  As opposed to things that require no effort whatsoever to get, these come across as cheap and of far less value.

People are drawn to and intrigued by what they cannot fully see.

We love suspense, mystery, and hunger more deeply for that which is just out of reach.

And while often times, we are hungering and feel urgent towards having what we so desperately desire right then, the slow burn and aching of want, the tension and build up, is actually far more delicious and fun when reflected upon.

When things are completely out in the open...with zero mystery...all laid out on the table for the taking...obvious and your face...uniform and all the same...this is boring, its not exciting, it doesn't hold our attention longer than a few seconds, before we move on to the next thing.

Our attention is held by challenge.  By things we have to work for.  By what we have to figure out and ponder.  By a slow build.  A mystery that reveals itself over time.  That which we have to discover. 

When we see something we find enticing or attractive but part of it is hidden from us, we are desperate to see and gain access to the rest.  This is why people love mysteries, high drama, and suspense.  This is why we love TV series that leave us hanging and on the edge of our seats each week, wondering what is coming next, how the following episode will unfold, what might we find out about said character coming up.

However, when we see something we find interesting or attractive and all of it is laid out, readily available right off the bat, with zero mystery or anything left to wonder about/discover, well then, what's the draw?  Its already known, already experienced, already had.  And as a result, its meh.  Sure, it might briefly arouse for a fleeting moment in imagining the momentarily pleasure it will bring on experiencing, but then we move on to something more exciting.  In search of what will actually hold our attention for longer.  Something that engages and challenges us more.

Imagine prior to going to see a movie, or reading a book, someone just tells you "eh, this happens, this happens, and this is how it ends."  (Yes, I am absolutely guilty of having committed this very crime to friends.  But no more.  Its a majorly a**hole move, ruining the ending for people, I came to realize).  Your interest in seeing the movie or reading the book is likely to plummet.  You already know the ending.  You've seen it all, so to speak.  You've "gotten the goods," if you will.  You already know how it all unfolds.  Nothing left to anticipate while reading or watching, nothing left to uncover or discover, nothing left to entice.

Finally, we respect and gaze higher on things (aka, people included) who clearly value themselves.  Hold themselves in high regard.  Who are challenging to obtain or get close to.  Who do not give away their hearts, their attention, their trust, or their bodies, easily or to just anyone.  Think about it...everyone wants the attention of the person whose very focus it is difficult to capture.  That makes it feel far more exciting and worthwhile, when and if you do garner that persons attentions and affection.  We feel more honored on receiving the attention, love, trust, or body of someone who rarely gives away such.  Who does so only with much consideration, hesitation, and after they feel the other person has truly earned it.  This is thrilling, to be one of the people who earns this, from one of these highly discerning people.

However, when someone claims to be BFFs with everyone, they sleep with someone at the drop of a hat, dress in such a way that you basically already know what they look like naked, broadcast all their news (big and small, personal or not) to strangers and close confidants alike...this doesn't feel valuable when one of these people decides they want to be friends with you, or sleep with you, or confide in you, or share their body with you.  Because they do it with everyone, its no longer special.  This, it feels cheap and not in the least bit special, because they offer such to everyone and their brother.

The shocking secret to being sexier, by leaps and bounds, than our greater culture at large behaves or seems to think at the moment?

Be one of the rare few who covers up (and no, this does not mean having to cover oneself from head to toe, as though one were a nun or priest.  I am merely referring to more modest allure.  Choosing to give more subtle yet still sexy hints of your body instead of letting it all spill out every which way).
Invite the people who find you attractive toward yearning to see what is underneath (because they cannot already see it all hanging out-thus, they don't know what lies underneath). 

Check out who says this quote.  One of the most well known and admired women in fashion, ever.

Keep personal things private, reserved for those truly close to you.  Require that someone spend a lot of time with and really get to know you before you give up those kinds of treasures about yourself and heart to them.  Guard your heart, body, trust, and life details, only revealing and sharing such with those small few who actually earn your access to such over time.  Be discerning.  Leave something to the imagination.  Invite a sense of mystery, allure, and therefore, a sense of discovery waiting in someone growing acquainted with and getting to know you.  Choose to obtain and exude a sense of modesty and class.  Carry yourself in a way that shows you prize and treasure yourself.

This my friends, believe it or not, is way hotter than the current norms of falling out of our clothes every which way, everyone's private parts exploding out, so many of us desperate for attention and to garner the greatest shock value, shouting all their personal details to the rooftops, giving oneself away (whether physically or emotionally) at the drop of a hat.  Holding back is hotter.  Subtlety is sexy.  Mystery is alluring, inviting, intriguing, and incredibly attractive.  This garners true respect, admiration, and interest.  It holds peoples attention, and not just for 5 seconds, but enduringly.

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