The One Truth That Matters Regarding Toxic Relationships, Family or Other

image by Ben White from Unsplash.com

The One Truth That Matters.

If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. And that might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – you name the person.  But, this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms.  

Ones that don’t break you.

Set the boundaries with grace and love, and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. 

Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. 

Then, if the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. 

Their choice.

Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.

Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgment, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. 

No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.

Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken or malnourished.

There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. 

If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. 

The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.

The Growth.

Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. 

This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger, and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueler, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.

You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect, and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.

Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believe that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. 

Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim, and shoots.

Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. 

If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. 

It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.

Why Are Toxic Relationships So Destructive?

In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.

The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.

Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. 

What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.

If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.

Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. 

For the most part, though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in.

In any toxic relationship, there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness, and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behavior is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.

Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.

Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. 

This will play out through criticism, judgment, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behavior to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.

Remember though, you can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect, and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.

And, walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. 

This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

All of this is from the article: When Someone You Love is Toxic- How to Let Go, Without the Guilt by Karen Young, from HeySigmund.com.  This piece is just so excellent, I had to share it.  I want to make clear though, I did not write this.  The insightful and articulate Karen Young did.  

You can read the entirety of her article here.